OF THE
SATURDAY PROGRAM
RULE #1: "It's about Ratings and Revenue."
RULE #2: "Never let the facts get in the way of a good talk show."
RULE #3: "If you vote for a school levy, you're stupid."
RULE #4: "Never, ever fight over a woman."
RULE #5: "Never own a pet that can eat you."
MAN CARDS REVOKED
As regular listeners of the Saturday program know, there have been famous individuals who have had their “Man Cards” revoked for doing unmanly things. Many will think this is a joke. It’s not. To have your Man Card revoked takes a serious offense against manhood; behavior that is unbecoming. When an offense is publicized and an individual is nominated, it is brought up with the board of executives that are involved in the production of the program. Should the majority vote against the individual, their Man Card is revoked. In the long history of the Saturday program, only 3 have had their man cards pulled.
TIGER WOODS
It was Thanksgiving Day 2009, Tiger (who normally would have received an “uber” man card for his behavior) failed to understand the importance of having a “B-phone.” Things quickly got out of hand as his ex-wife beat the hell out of him with a golf club after sharing some turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie. One by one the strippers and “Waffle House" waitresses came forward.
OFFENSE: Getting the hell beat out of him by his wife, having to “apologize” in front of his mother, having to write a check for hundreds of millions of dollars.
EPILOG: He now has two telephones, an "A" and "B" phone.
RICK PITINO
Where do we start? Here is arguably one of the most high-profile basketball coaches in the country. He picks up a woman at an Italian restaurant in Louisville. He has sex with her in a booth after the place closes. She claims she’s pregnant. He is said to have paid for her abortion. Then the real extortion began. He is then made to testify in court the sex was quick, lasting only a few seconds and that it went…well…never mind. Cheating on his wife? Abortion? Not really the way a self-proclaimed serious Catholic is to act.
OFFENSE: Being stupid and the 3 or 4 seconds thing is really disturbing to any Italian (refer questions to "The Situation" on Jersey Shore).
EPILOG: Pitino is working on restoring not only his man card, but also his Italian card.
DAVID ARQUETTE
He’s an actor and we’re not really sure what he’s famous for other than being married to Courtney Cox, the actress from the TV show “Friends.” Therein, the problem. She dumped him. What does he do? He goes on Howard Stern’s Sirius radio show and cries. Stern even tries to cheer him up by asking what it’s like to get some “new.” He still cries for her.
OFFENSE: You never fight over a woman (refer to Saturday program Rule #4) and you never cry over a woman. Why? Because there are more women on Earth than men.
EPILOG: Starting to discover the “new” and how good that “new” can be.
UPDATE: Mr. Courteney Cox is now a member of the cast on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. Normally this would be another offense against one's Man Card, but The Executive Committee has concluded no further action against Arquette is required. Besides the producers of DWTS must be reaching the bottom of the barrel if they consider him a "star." Nancy Grace is a cast member too. Need we say more?
GORDON RAMSAY
The ultimate fail one man can do to another is to reveal an affair. Look it up. It’s right up there with Man Card rules like talking to the guy next to you at a urinal. No man shall EVER make it publicly known another has some “side beef.” Seems Gordon is mad and has accused his in-laws of running his business empire into the dirt. If they have a name, he’s suing them. That includes his father-in-law. Sure suing the in-laws will make those holiday dinners somewhat tense. Some would say that alone is unforgiveable. The lawsuit family plan wasn’t enough for our “Kitchen Nightmare,” however. He decided to go all scorched earth policy and sue the alleged mistress of his father-in-law. This is where he runs a “fowl” of the Man Card rules. Sure the old man may be “porking” someone on the side. Sure he should have kept is “wiener” in his pants. It should be in a man’s DNA, no matter how mad you are you can never prove that old saying false. “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”
OFFENSE: The ultimate Man Card betrayal. This is an act normally reserved for scorn women. It’s one thing to refuse to cook Christmas dinner for your father-in-law. This? Whoa.
EPILOG: What about Gordon’s wife, the spawn of the old man? Has Gordon been cut off yet? There’s a lot of truth to the saying, “Blood is thicker than water.” For this sin, Gordon may have no hope of retrieving his Man Card.
CHARLIE SHEEN
He's going to kill himself. He doesn't care. He's uber rich. He's uber famous and he can outlast anyone when it comes to drinking, drugs, sex and porno. The honor of the first ever "Uber Man Card" goes to Reds' fan and (kind of) product of Ohio, Charlie Sheen.
Little did we know when he was found wasted on $10,000 a bottle wine, blow and with his pants around his ankles in a restaurant bathroom and then proceeding to bust up a hotel room in NYC, he was only warming up.
EVIDENCE OF UBER-NESS: Just prior to being awarded the "Uber Man Card" he ended up in the hospital because he "aggravated a hernia" laughing too hard at TV. Sure. Chuck. Rumor has it he (a) had been partying for 36-hours straight, (b) was watching non-stop porno, (c) was hanging with 5 porno actresses, one he seemed to pay $30,000 just to hang out, (d) was getting hammered on hard liquor, (e) had a brief case filled with cocaine delivered to him. All this and he survived, except for the laughing too hard thing. One of the porno actresses even commented she was amazed at the amount of porno he had! Awesome!
EPILOG: Has set the new high water mark for "gonzo" partying. Even Lindsay Lohan can't keep up with him and has acknowledged, "No mas. No mas."
Winning!
© 2012
